We got our closing date tomorrow for the 3rd time but if they SH*T on us again I will do another flatulence video but this time I will do it on every Bank of America in Manhattan.
Do you know how many banks that is? or better said do you know what I would need to eat to accomplish the video?
I will have to eat a bean cabbage broccoli chick pea lentil sandwich with a beet brussel sprout soy milk shake. For dessert I will have a cheese granola oat grain barley pepper cake.
Don't mess with me and my family BofA. I will be ready at moments notice.
I got manipulated to go to the park yesterday in 1000 degree weather because my son looked up at me with puppy eyes and said with a inquisitorial tone...
(who would have thought inquisitorial was actually a word)
...parque which either means he wanted a type of wood floor he had seen on a late night informercial or he was saying park in spanish. I can't afford a new floor so I took my chances on the park. When I got there I met a mother who I befriended from my son's daycare. As we were discussing intelligent topics like the expansive psychology of a humming bird and the modern reconstruction of Johann Sabatian Bach we noticed her daughter having a private moment which usually means one thing... diaper duty.
Wait a minute she says... I don't have any diapers. I forgot to pack the bag.
Right then and there I ripped off my shirt to reveal my huge DJ on my chest and I said. Never fear Daddy Jai is here. I reached in my daddy purse and searched and searched and searched. I had 1 diaper left.
Now if you are a man you are applauding me for having 1 more diaper than 0. If you are a woman well grow up because Daddy Jai saved the day.
Did I get a prize for being the man? Take a look below what I got.
20 inches of snow kept us home on December 27th, 2010. My son was asleep. My daughter wasn't born yet. I looked at my wife with a coy smile and she looked back at me with a similar look. So we did what any young, good looking couple would do home alone with no responsibilities... We looked at our finances. Can you believe we found that we were losing a significant amount of money each month on my wife's apartment that she bought 8 days prior to us finding out that we had already started a family.
Honeymoon's are dangerous.
So we had 2 options. We could either wait 167 years for the economy to recover or we could take the loss and sell... now even though I do look young and the new foundation I have been applying works wonders I don't think I will live another 167 years. So we called up my brother who is a real estate agent and said sell the apartment now. He called up a guy who knew a girl who knew another guy who used to be a girl but now is a guy but is having second thoughts... we got a buyer. Everything was moving along with normal bumps along the way but luckily the buyer had the reliable Bank of America on his side so there was no reason to worry.
Now I don't want to bore you with the he said she said crap that everyone pulls when a deal is going through but we eventually got a closing date of June 29th 2011 at 2pm at Bank of America's request. At 12:15 on that day, 1 hour and 45 minutes before we were to end this journey, Bank of America called and said their system was down and they couldn't give any money to the seller. Keep in mind this is the same day that Bank of America gave 8.5 billion back to their investors. Coincidence? Who knows... but let's give the big bank the little benefit of the convenient coincidence. Besides who cares that both agents and lawyers were on their way to the signing? Who cares that Vivian took a day off from work and we had to get a baby sitter? Who cares that I am married to the Colombian women with attitude? We were all sure that Bank of America would somehow recover from their systematic glitch and give us a new closing date.
July 8th, 2011 at 2pm, at the request of Bank of America, we were ready to close again. At 12:36pm, 1 hour and well you can do the math, Bank of America canceled AGAIN. Apparently they were committed then they decided they had a change of heart and then they were committed again and then they had another change of heart... they remind me of most of my love life when I was in my 20's and early 30's. All corny jokes aside, it's not cool that they keep stringing everyone along like this. Once again the agents and lawyers were in route, our baby sitter was in place, and Vivian took another day off from work. It cost money, time, and preparation to do this. I won't even tell you how it effects us psychologically. Remember Vivian is Colombian. Also, keep in mind the place is unrented so that the new owner can move in and we are still paying the astronomical mortgage, maintenance, and taxes because we still technically own the place because we haven't signed the damn papers. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
I could go on an on... but Jerry Springer is on next. I sometimes feel better about myself after watching a few minutes of JS. However I will leave you with an old Chinese proverb that will help you understand why I made this video.
Sh*t on me once Bank of America shame on you. Sh*t on me twice Bank of America and make a viral video.
2 weeks before my daughter was born I asked my obstetrician (well she isn't really mine because I am a guy) if I could fly out to California and shoot a webseries that my friend Teddy Garces wanted me to be in. She said well that's pretty stupid cutting it so close but you are blonde so I don't see why not. Just remember you have to fly back if Vivian goes into labor. I said who? Nobody laughed.
Anjali was born on time and I shot the webseries.
Sound Advice featuring Jai Catalano (that's me) in episode 1 starts this summer. Please check out the website and send some love.
I went from a size 8 man dress to a size 2 man dress in 8 weeks. Now I don't usually wear man dresses because man dresses are women dresses disguised as real dresses I call man dresses. However, I love saying I am a size 2 because it's a lot smaller than saying I am a size 32 waist. Besides there was a huge July 4th sale so I was just trying different things on. Anyway, everyone and their mother wants to lose weight including my mother. There is a formula that is proven to lose weight. Diet and Exercise. I truly miss those days when I could go to McDonald's and supersize everything but portion control is a must and McD's is a must not. We also know that sitting on the couch watching the house wives of Jersey is probably not going to help you lose weight or gain intelligence so exercise is a must too. Here are a my 5 daddy ways to lose some extra weight.
1) Carry your child in a carrier and not in a stroller.
My daughter is 15lbs plus all of the bags. That means I have an extra 20lbs on me when I go out... and now that it's summer I go out as much as I can. Remember how long winter felt...???
2) Eat the same portion as your child.
I find that if I eat around the size of what Jaxon is eating (or should eat) I can control my portion.
3) Eat at the same speed as your child.
Jaxon takes 45 minutes to eat 1 grape. Imagine how much time it would take to eat 6. Honestly though if I control my speed then eating every 2 to 3 hours doesn't seem so bad.
4) Have a cup of coffee during the afternoon.
Coffee makes me skip a hunger moment during the day plus it gives me the push I need to want to still be a parent.
This is easy. After a long day with 2 kids I tend to go to bed early than I want to. It helps with forgetting hunger because I am too tired to think about food. Being too tired to eat is genius. They need to put that in a bottle.
I was 186 when Anjali was born. I now weigh 171. Thanks kids.
By the way that photo above is not Vivian but a little fals
I caught Anjali having a private straining moment 3 times yesterday. Out of nowhere I see this little thing turn bright red. I got a little freaked out at first because I didn't see the initial holding of the breath move. I caught her in the pushing until bright red stage. Aren't we taught not to push? Well she didn't get the memo. I guess I need to send it to her first. Anyway, watching the process is quite interesting. Here was the process I saw...
1) Take a deep breath.
2) Hold that deep breath.
3) Push the sphincter muscle down...
Note number 3 might cause redding of the face.
4) Relax the face and repeat as necessary.
It was quite cute to watch.
Until I did the math. She didn't push 1 time or 2 times but 3 times.
3 pushes equals a sink wash down, a trip to the laundry room, and an hour of lost time.
Jaxon re-discovered the power of the word NO. It's a great word. I use it all the time. NO officer I thought the light turned green. NO I didn't receive the first 6 jury duty notices. NO Doc remove your finger... my prostate is fine. However, when Jaxon uses it, I find myself feeling a bit angry and out of control because he just wants to set his independence. July 4th was a great day for him to do that but nonetheless annoying at times. So I did what any (ab) normal parent would do and I had fun with the word. Here are some questions I asked him that I got a kick out of...
Do you love your mom more than me?
Do I look fat in this?
Should we stay up all night and eat pizza and cookies?
Doesn't your mom look pretty today?
Do you like mom's cooking?
and my favorite...
Look I don't want to give your mom up. I don't know if we will find a better one. The decision is yours. Should we keep your mom and try one more time?
Above is a video I made with my son last year on July 4th. I think it sums up what I mean, but before that...
What do I tell my children if they ask me are all men created equal?
Yes except for...
Who can I tell them should be responsible for the biggest misconception (on paper) in American history?
Everyone from 1776 is dead...
Now I love America. I really really do but we now live in an age where one has to be totally accountable for their words but why haven't we held anyone accountable for what is written in the Declaration of Independence?
Here are some people who we held accountable for their words.
Mark Halperin was suspended for calling Obama a dick.
Tracey Morgan was reprimanded for saying he would stab his son if he were gay.
Rick Sanchez was fired for calling Jon Stewart a bigot.
Gilbert Gottfried was fired for making jokes about the Japan earthquake.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger gets reprimanded and quits for using the n word.
The truth of the matter is that these people will come and go but the Declaration of Independence has been around for 235 years with the line all men are created equal.
Sorry ladies it says men.
There are 3 things I can't change... my 2 kids, my 1 wife and my 0 rights.