Being alone with the kids is CRAZY fun. Especially when your wife is partying hard with her co workers and doesn't return home until well after they are asleep. There is something, how shall I say, SPECIAL, about her not being there for ALL the excitement with the kids... Let me share how much fun we had...
...1 had to pick up my son at day care all alone balancing Anjali in my arms while beating myself up about WTF to feed a picky child. Then after cooking 1 million different dishes and burning my hand 55 times on the hot dish in the microwave I finally feed him a piece of lint from the carpet (his favorite) and a glass of puddle from the courtyard. I then scrubbed 2 kids in the tub long enough for me to feel happy about me being home alone but not long enough to feel angry about it. Then I thought about putting Anjali's diaper on Jaxon and Jaxon's diaper on Anjali for a little nighttime humor but I then realized it was time for me to hold all of my love back for another day and put them the F to sleep.
After getting them to bed guess who decides to come home HAPPY? I am not going to mention Vivian's name but you guessed it... my wife.
is the latest craze but before I can buy Vivian a pole, high heels, and an unlimited class card at our local pole dancing school we are both going to need to get some sleep rhythm out of our kids. Anjali gets up in the middle of the night and wants milk. You know what Anjali stop crying and get up and get us both some milk so we can go back to sleep. The nerve at nearly 5 months. AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH TOO...
Jaxon is no better. Lately he has been waking up and finding his way in Vivian's sensitive side allowing him to find his way in MY BED 2 or 7 times a week. I am sick and tired (no pun intended) of him sleeping horizontally in my bed. Can't you sleep vertically like the rest of us? AND STOP KICKING ME IN THE FACE.
How do other parents do with their kids? Well...
Speaking to several parents on a day to day basis, I hear success stories such as...
insert proud bragging voice now...
little Westcot slept 14 hours straight through the night and little Bartholomew went to bed at 7pm and slept all the way until I woke him up at 10am.
Well that doesn't happen in the Catalano household because no matter what I do to get some sleep during the night there are 2 things that undoubtedly wake me up. The screaming in my ear and the foot in my mouth.
...when I can sneak in a quick daytime nap after my daughter falls asleep. However, as I was levitating in nap mode Anjali decided to wake up and scare me out of my floating position causing me to fall violently on the floor. Then she laughed at me.
Ok can I be honest? I really can't float. In fact even if I drink 1 chocolate float I can't even muster up the energy to get out of the bathroom. So how can I afford to get so high when I take a quick cat nap and my daughter is asleep?
1. I set up the scene of the photo I want to take.
2. Then I look at Anjali.
3. I set up the tripod with the camera mounted on top.
4. Then I look at Anjali.
5. I sit on an ottoman in the middle of the room.
6.Then I make sure I am balanced before looking at Anjali.
7. I push the remote control that is hidden between my manly hands.
8. Then I pick Anjali up and say don't ask me why I do these things.
9. I take the same photo without me and the ottoman.
10. Then I view the photos with Anjali on my lap and if I like what I see I go to step 11 which is right below number 10 which is coincidently the number you are reading and probably thinking will you hurry up and tell me what you do next. Come on Jai this is so ridiculous. I mean do you actually even watch your daughter or do you float around your house all day...
11. I then go to good ole Photoshop and brush out the ottoman.
The 2 before photos are below.
If you want to see more of my work check out my website www.jaicatalano.com or my flickr photo stream @http://www.flickr.com/photos/jaicatalano/show/
Vivian is starting her workout regimen today which makes me remember the basic rules of what not to say to a woman... Here they are...
There are 3 things you should never ask a woman.
1. Never ask a woman her age.
This is tricky because you can't be too far off from her age and you can't be too close to it if you actually try to guess. If you say wow you look 21 she will undoubtedly know you are lying because let's be honest... you are lying. If you come too close to her real age she will be furious that you didn't say she looked younger than she thinks the world thinks she is. If you say a number over her real age... Watch out...
In essence you never win.
2. Never ask her how much she weighs.
This one stay away from at all costs. I don't even use homophones or homographs of certain words. I one time said I love you, you are so well rounded. Insert screams here and fill in the blanks...
3. Never ask a woman if she wants to go shoe shopping. This is probably the worst of the 3... There is no amount of beating or screaming I wouldn't want to take over a day of shoe shopping with a woman. The Chinese torture chamber is a day at the beach compared.
I hope you take my word for it.
On Saturday, Jaxon met a 3 year old 2 foot 11 inch, 34 pound Filipino cutie called Jasmine. Now call it what you want but I saw my son do an up and down dance, that I had never seen before, where his butt descends diagonally for balance and appeal. Then he found a 6 inch step and started bungee jumping (without a bungee) off the ledge to show his fearlessness as a young toddler in a competitive world. They dined together, smiled together, and they played non stop until the wee hours of the early evening. But before they went to sleep they did one of the one things Jaxon doesn't like to do... they took a shower together (with 2 guardians)...
... and he didn't even cry.
Now if that isn't a great night before the age of 2, I don't know what is.
...with a house full of sleepy heads still in bed. The nerve of my kids keeping Vivian and me up most of the night and then when they feel like it BOOM... back to sleep for them. They say sleep is overrated but when you don't get any how can you rate it? That's the main reason why I am having evil thoughts of waking them.
Here are some examples of how I would do it.
1. I feel like screaming loudly OMG Elmo has been run over by a mack truck.
2. I feel like quietly tying my son's pamper to his crib and film him waking up.
3. I feel like pasting my son's toys on the wall and telling him I think you need a V8.
4. I feel like putting a poster of a HUGE JUICY baby bottle full of milk in front of my daughter.
5. I feel like calling my son from an anonymous number and saying this...
Hi this is Santa Claus. I just wanted to say you have been doing a great job for the first 7 months of 2011. Keep up the great work Michael.
My name isn't Michael. It's Jaxon.
Opps. Wrong number.
Let's face it... God didn't bless me with tan skin. Yes looks and brains but not tan skin. In fact if you look up the word white there is a photo of me in the dictionary. My kids, who we strongly believe are both mine, are paler than me. This means mucho sunblock for me and them. However, I can't give Anjali sunblock so I am going to have to give her the original sunblock that is 100% proven to block the sun.
So today Anjali are going to catch up on our shade. Here is an intelligent list of things we are going to do in the shade.
1) Watch Jerry Springer
2) Watch Steve Wilcos
3) Watch The housewives of Atlanta
4) Eat and Nap
5) Watch Jersey Shore
6) Watch CNN for 5 minutes
7) Eat and Nap
8) Greet Vivian and the front door and lie to her about what we did all day.
Yesterday the doctor told us to start sleep training. I interjected and said, "I don't mean to question your intelligence but we both are sleep trained." "Your daughter," she said. "Sleep train your daughter."
So it started last night. It was brutal. I wish the doctor wanted Vivian and me to sleep train again. I am pretty trained. Anyway, she finally went back to sleep about an hour later after waking. I didn't.
So I decided to compile a list of the 5 ways you can tell if you are sleep deprived.
1. If you feel tired.
This pretty much tells me that I feel tired.
2. If you yawn excessively.
People say yawning just means your brain needs oxygen. No it means I am tired.
3. If you have big bags under your eyes.
I have more bags than JFK's luggage hub. This must mean I am tired.
4. If you are irritable.
It's hard to F**^%6* show how F**^%6* irritable I am in a blog but you will have to take my F**^%6* word for it. This means I am F**^%6* tired.
5. If you fall asleep during work.
I find that every time I fall asleep during work that mean...
Today my daughter has to go to the doctor to get pricked. Why does that sound horrible on many levels? I used to think I would do anything to take away the pain until I had my first prostate exam. I now realize my kids have it easy. Let's be honest the doctor hides the needle until the last second and then once the needle goes in most kids just look like WTF was that and then they either do nothing or cry for a second or 2. Then mom picks them up and gives them hugs and kisses. All done.
However I can't shake off my experience of when I went for my first prostate exam 6 months ago which only lasted for 1 minute (Felt like 20). He didn't even hide his finger. I will never forget him putting on his glove that he took from a box that I swear said XL and then went for a jug of vaseline that he left open on the table. Then he tells me for my protection he will give me the play by play of what he is doing which only further enhanced the painful experience. Then he asked me to take down my pants twice. I like to play hard to get. And then before I knew it the doctor points me in the wrong direction. Where was my mom? I turned around as he says I am going to step out while you get dressed.
WHAT? After all we have been through? Can I have a hug? HEY DOC... CAN I HAVE A HUG?
I didn't lose any sleep over this news. Honestly I have my own things to worry about. Mainly Thing 1 (Jaxon) and Thing 2 (Anjali). There is a Thing 3 (Vivian) but she hates when I introduce her to my friends and family as Thing 3.
Hi John. Let me introduce you to my Thing 3. Thing 3 John... John Thing 3.
Speaking of what to call people... My good friend Shana corrected me yesterday when I said that I baby sit my daughter during the day. She slightly roared with a womanly independence that resembles the tone of an assertive inquisition on Law and Order "YOU are not baby sitting YOU are PARENTING."
Let's be honest. Why do I want to call myself the parent? Too much pressure. It's not like I spent my whole life working to be a parent. One day Thing 3 and I had a date and then I woke up with her waving a white stick in my face. "YOU are going to be a PARENT." I mean If I were studying to be a doctor then after 15 years hard work I would require the title but I didn't even spend much more than 15 minutes to warrant the title of parent... Besides, imagine when they are in their teen's and they start complaining about how they were raised. I can easily say don't look at me... I am just the baby sitter go talk to Thing 3.
Jai the baby sitter.
There are 3 things I can't change... my 2 kids, my 1 wife and my 0 rights.