PAMPERED OR UN-PAMPERED
Jaxon, 21 (months), is a suspect in multiple bedroom attacks.
The father thinks Jaxon might be using his good looks or cute voice to get away with it.
He is described as a 3-foot, 27lb-pound toddler with blonde hair, brown eyes, 2 dimples, and long eyelashes.
The reward a 1 million dollar smile from dad.
Tipsters are asked to phone the father before he gets axed out of the family completely.
My daughter is 3 months old and she is rolling over already. Great now I have to worry about boys and dating next I just know it. I even had another nightmare yesterday about Anjali and all of the winners of the world. Here is the excerpt.
Anjali-Dad I met a young man that I am madly in love with.
Me-WHAT THE F... You are only 3 months old. What does he do?
Anjali-He is going to college right now and he is studying to be a weatherman but might change directions to study law so that he can enter politics. Dad he is amazing. He is going to be the Mayor-Dad. Who knows maybe one day he will run for the President of the US.
Me-Sounds like you picked a real winner even if you are still in diapers. Congratulations Anjali. What's his name?
Thanks Anthony Weiner I now have to worry about the bad guys and the good guys.
I know I am not going nuts like sending photos of myself to girls over the internet nuts. I know I am not going nuts like having a love child with a latin maid nuts although Vivian is Colombian and she does clean the house more than I do. No!!! I am going nuts on the emotional roller coaster ride my daughter is making me ride. My day yesterday in a nutshell... (Pun intended)
Anjali wanted me to pick her up then put her down. Then she wanted me to pick her up again then she wanted me to put her down. We then went outside so I could pick her up and then put her down. Then it was time to feed her but only after I picked her up. After burping (myself) I had to put her down.
Up and down
up and down
up and down
upp and drone
pup and drown
Do you see what I mean?
I think I see therapy in my future...
Oh like you don't need therapy too...
You don't believe me.
Well let me prove it.
If you have ever laughed at anything I have ever written or filmed chances are your a great candidate. If you haven't laughed or don't find me remotely funny then you definitely need help. ;)
Now when I speak of taking a CPR class I don't mean the extremely popular Congressmen Photo Retrieval class. In fact I am referring to the Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation class at Little Hearts CPR taught by Amy Gross.
Why take CPR?
I learned CPR (16 years ago) after my father passed away in front of me of a massive heart attack. I did not know CPR at the time and although the doctor's assured me that CPR wouldn't have saved his life due to the severity of the attack there was and is always something in the back of my brain that says what if...
Now I hope you nor I never have to use CPR in our lives and waiting to brush up on CPR 16 years and 2 kids later isn't the smartest move in the world but I finally did it again and I made Vivian do it too. And to go a step further I promised myself that I would practice CPR (or a version of CPR) on Vivian at least once a week, however, being that father's day is just a few days away I hope that Vivian doesn't mind letting me play dumb (I excel at that) and fully reviving me :)...
If you are looking for a CPR class full of great information with just the right amount of humor that neither belittles the situation or mocks it... Please check out Little Hearts CPR
Little Hearts CPR
688 6th Avenue, Suite 202
New York, NY 10010
Vivian and I spent the night changing some of the several portraits of me in the apt to portraits of me and the kids. It was easier than I thought to let go of my self centered, slightly narcissistic, only child ways by sharing portrait space with the 2 kids Maury Povich swears are both mine by a staggering 99.98 percent.
Then memory lane opened up to a highway of Anthony Weiner tears when we started looking at some videos I shot of Jaxon during some of his milestones. The one video that I think will "CRACK" you up is the one below. If it doesn't CRACK you up go back and re watch it and pause it 30 seconds in and look at me. Even I sometimes crack myself up.
Baby sitting Anjali was tough for me during one of the HOTEST days of the year for several reasons...
Peeing on self
Pooping on self
and CRYING like a BIG cry baby...
...and I managed to do this ALL to myself while my daughter took her nap.
Vivian & I speak spanish @ home but with my 1st grade spanish level I had a nightmare last night of a conversation with my children when they are adults. Here is an except of that nightmare.
Hola papa.-Hi dad.
Hola ninos.-Hi kids.
Como Estas?-How are you?
Bien. Y como estan mis ninos?-Well. & how are my kids?
Papa. Necesitamos ayuda.
Time out kids. What does ayuda mean?
I thought you spoke spanish dad. Help dad. We need Help.
I speak spanish. I got confused. It won't happen again. Let's speak spanish. Ask me again.
Papa. Necesitamos ayuda-Dad. We need help.
Claro que Si. Soy tu papa-Of course. I am your dad.
Nos prestas quinientos dolares?
Of course. I mean... Claro que si. Soy tu papa - Of course. I am your dad.
Gracias. Te amamos papa. Thanks. We love you dad.Vivian. What does Nos prestas quinientos dollares mean?
They asked to borrow 500 dollars and you said yes you idiota.
Hey. HEY>>> Come back.
HEY COME BACK HERE>>>
What does idiota mean?
WHAT DOES IDIOTA MEAN???
Anjali & I were sleeping on the couch when cries from a big Weiner woke us up. I don't know about you but I never like being woken up by a whiney weiner. My daughter then smiled at me as if to say what a weiner and then went back to sleep.
I then saw the photos and said what workout is he doing because my workout isn't working. Then I said this is stupid I have been doing push-ups forever and my chest doesn't look like that. Then I thought maybe I should shave my chest. Then I thought maybe he uses congressmen steroids. Then I thought at least I have a cute nose. Then I thought I haven't cried like Weiner since I saw Bambi come home.
...and lastly I thought how many weiners do we need in our Government before we realize the oath of office should be changed to as follows...
I do solemnly swear that I will leave my weiner in my pants and support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all weiners, foreign and domestic;... ...that I will keep my weiner to myself and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me keep my weiner in my pants God.
NEW YORK CITY, NY. -- Investigators were called yesterday morning at 10:45 am to Doodle Doos at 11 Christopher Street.
Police say early yesterday morning, neighbors heard cries for help followed by several shouts of the word no not my pweety locks for approximately 8 minutes.
When police arrived, they found the victim, a runny nose kid with several lollipops in his hand standing in a patch of his own curly blond hair.
Police have very little clues on who the suspect is as there were several stylish ladies wearing aprons standing around the young boy smiling when investigators arrived.
Although there were no weapons found, police did find several pairs of scissors, a recent copy of Thomas the Train, and a huge bottle filled with bubbles.
Police are still investigating however, they have strong evidence that suggests that the little boy was not a victim of an attack but rather only getting his haircut.
Anjali cried more and more until hysteria was building. I did the daddy check list (and checked it twice). I fed her a super sized breast milk meal, I burped her as if she were Bernard Arnold Gumble from the Simpsons, and I changed her diaper as well as my underwear in case that was the offense. Nothing worked. I then shushed her as if I were competing with yankee stadium cheer. I ran around the park like Carl Lewis. I even made faces like Jim Carrey on cafeine. Again nothing worked. I was frustrated and had really strange thoughts like will there ever be a Chinese woman President and does Arnold Schwarzenegger eat rice and beans. Just then a Garbage Man (sanitation worker for the politically correct readers) said to me "pull out." "Pull out?" I said. Yeah just pull her out and see if that works. Duh!!! So I pulled her out and held her in my arms. She was quieter than a cemetery on New Years Eve. Thanks Garbage Man. Now I know...
...next time I will just pull out.
There are 3 things I can't change... my 2 kids, my 1 wife and my 0 rights.