It's not until I have a major melt down that I realize I sometimes have a lot on my plate.
I am not complaining (anymore) but If I were to order my life as a meal, in a restaurant called Me, this is what I would be ordering.
Waiter - Good day sir. May I take your order?
Me - Good day. Yes for an appetizer I would like a part time photography business and a career as a salsa dancer.
Waiter - Good choice sir... And what would you like for your main course.
Me - As a main course I was thinking of the Colombian wife with 1 child.
Waiter -That is a really spicy dish sir but an excellent choice.
Me - I love spicy. You know what make it the Colombian wife with 2 children. I can handle it.
Waiter - Good luck sir. You are going to need it.
Me - I like to live life dangerously.
Waiter - I see that.
Waiter & Me - LAUGHTER
Waiter - And for dessert?
Me - For dessert I would like a cup of a daily daddy blog with a skit writing-Youtube posting, short film submitting to build my acting slash writing resume for the world to see and feel my sense of humor on a bigger stage career.
Waiter - Excellent. I will be right back with everything.
Me - Oh and one more thing. Could you add in a little free time for myself on the side?
Waiter - I am so sorry sir. We are all out of that.
Me - How did I know?
Last nights game proved to be a big win for Jaxon as he scored 1 million points while the opposition, dad & Anjali went scoreless.
In the first half, Jaxon, with his cute blonde locks and dimples scored a big truck from mommy that stunned the opposition slightly but didn't detour them from trying to continue to WOW mommy.
However in the second half, even with daddy's charm, blue eyes, and sense of humor along with Anjali's magnetic smile and button nose, Jaxon managed to score again with over a million outfits that mommy bought for him because they were on sale. Daddy & Anjali stunned on the couch, tried to step up their game with even more cuteness but it was no match for Jaxon as he blew away the opposition with a score of 100 gazillion fatillion to 0.
Hopefully, daddy and Anjali can turn it around before the end of the season or I am anticipating a trade of some sort in the near future.
...Oprah leaves her show, and I still can't exit the kitchen without bumping my daughter in the head on the refrigerator door handle. Yes she is ok but for 2 minutes she yelled at me on the top of her lungs with these exact words... HOW MANY YEARS DO YOU HAVE TO LIVE HERE TO CORRECTLY CALCULATE THE DISTANCE BETWEEN KITCHEN APPLIANCES & YOUR ONLY DAUGHTERS HEAD? Then I said to her I am so sorry. It will never happen again. She said just because I can't crawl yet don't think I won't roll out of here to file for divorce.
...sometimes. Especially yesterday when I froze up at Union Square and watched my son throw himself on the floor 3 times (scraping his knees) screaming his half latin half caucasian ass off because he wanted to go into the train which is by my apt. I am still pretty new at the father game and when the thought of giving him a metrocard and putting him on the L train so he could enjoy the farthest tip in Brooklyn crossed my mind I thought maybe I should send someone to keep him company... his sister. However, laws have changed, and she was behaving so I thought maybe there was a more creative way to get him to stop crying. Then the word tape popped in my head. Again I wasn't quite satisfied so I said we can't go on the train right now but do you want to see a training wheel?
He looked curiously at me then he nodded and said... Training wheel.
It wasn't until 1989 when Ray said to his father "Hey dad? You wanna have a catch? that men realized they had tear ducts. (if you don't know what movie I am talking about than you were born in the 90's, blind, or a woman). Rudy Giuliani switched porn for Disney in the mid 90's because deep down he knew It was hard to get misty in a porn shop (no pun intended). And in late 03 Extreme Makeover: Home Edition wrapped us up for good.
Nowadays I get choked up for the dumbest things. I was like a 13 year old girl the other day when Rose said to Jack I will never let go in a Titanic marathon on TBS. And why won't they just leave King Kong alone? I won't even mention what The Notebook and P.S I love you did to me. And how many freaking times do I have to see George find Zuzu's pedals in his pocket before I man up like the old days?
I am so angry at you Kevin Costner....
Photo courtesy of shorpy.com
My wife thinks I never share (especially with the 2 whatchamacalits) because I am an only child.
What the hell is she talking about? I share. I share lots. I shared my cold with her this past winter. I share gossip whenever I can. I am always willing to share all of my bills with whoever. I bought shares of Mircrosoft back in 01. And from time to time I listen to music by Cher.
You see I am a bona fide Mr. Share. I even went as far as to share some of my wife's problems on this blog.
...wife, quit my job, and spend the $39.09 I call a savings all because the world was going to end yesterday. You see sometimes it pays to be blond. Anyway, I don't have much to say because yesterday was supposed to be my last blog because of Harold Camping...
One question though... How is it that Harold Camping can get all those people to listen to him and do crazy things but I can't get my wife to get me the remote control?
...can't be all that bad. No sense of urgency from the bunch of "end of the world workers" spreading the word that today is the end. My son knows what the desired response for the end of the world is when I tell him NO... Every time I say no my son runs across the room screaming, crying, and banging his head.
I am waiting for the one individual that I have seen (who have been promoting the end of the world with flyers)to do it with the obvious response and tone.
HELLO PEOPLE DON'T YOU GET IT... IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD. CALL YOUR LOVED ONES, RUN FOR IT, CALL YOUR MORTGAGE COMPANY AND TELL THEM TO SHOVE IT UP THEIR... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Until tomorrow or not.
Things are different I can't lie but some of it is even better than before. I cooked a romantic Jenny Craig meal last night in the microwave. Movie night now spans 4 days instead of the measly 2 hours. Sexy talk couldn't be sexier given our circumstances.
Vivian- Hey, did you wash your hands?
Jai-Hi honey how was your day?
Vivian- Hi. Fine. Did you wash your hands?
It's hard to hear her tone but boy is it SEXY...
Truth be told I love my life and my wife. I wouldn't change her for anybody and I mean anybody.
Except Sofia Vergara, Eva Mendes, and Mrs. Fields. Chastity Bono almost made the list until I watched the View last week.
I love you Vivian.
I have thought about selling them on EBAY.
The ad would read as follows:
2 loving kids with special talents.
Boy-20 months old.
1) Waking up in the middle of the night.
2) Kicking dad in bed or out of it.
3) Going without eating. (will eat pizza anytime)
4) Filling a pamper and blaming you for filling it if you ask him.
5) Speaks English and Spanish to belabor his point in case you don't understand.
Girl-2 months old.
1) Drinks constantly.
If interested please just come over. No need to call or write.
Just come over.
Willing to negotiate.
There are 3 things I can't change... my 2 kids, my 1 wife and my 0 rights.