Bouquet Of Poison Ivy
Believe it or not, I knew a guy who was itching to give his ex girlfriend a bouquet of poison ivy as a token of his loving affection. It turns out that she got wind of his plan and called her new boyfriend to weed out the situation.
Lingerie From Your Previous Relationship
Believe it or not, (again) a female friend of mine one time gave a pair of elephant pouch underwear, that she had stolen from her ex, to a new guy she was dating. She swore to me that she had washed them and I swore to myself to never date her.
Jenny Craig Dinner
I am not going to lie, Jenny Craig is a great program. I have lost a significant amount of weight after I gained several pounds because my wife got pregnant twice. However, no matter how romantic the JC marketers design their Valentine's Day meals, I can't perform my Rudolf Valentino act with a 3 cheese ziti dinner for 2.
Trader Joe's Wine
Good Ole 2 buck chuck... Don't get me wrong Trader Joe's wine is fine for the other 364 days during the year but not for Valentine's Day. There are several companies that make inexpensive wine that don't have cheap ass mother f***king date written all over it.
Opened Box Of Chocolate
I am going to make this obvious one short and sweet... Unless you are a ping pong champion with a fishing boat who runs all over the world then don't open the box of chocolate because your name isn't Forest Gump.
Happy Valentine's Day
There are 3 things I can't change... my 2 kids, my 1 wife and my 0 rights.